Time to Change

I think it might be time to change the way I look at living. My whole life I was taking it slow and steady wins the race. Investing in my future through education and bettering myself. But as I grow sicker, and my body kills itself organ by organ (now lungs?) I think perhaps I should adjust how I look at things and live for the moment.

I’m still shocked at the turn things have taken. I still don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what I WANT to do anymore. So much has changed like a whirlwind in the last 2-3 weeks. Yet, I thought I was past this developing new illnesses – I don’t know why. I should have known when I saw the white spreading around my eyes that the autoimmune was at it again. I should have kept up with those awful meds. I will start taking them again in the morning.

Do I have to be knocked over the head by something to learn? Boss giving me a bonus for clothes – I have to learn that way to dress better? Again I’m frozen by fear and unsure of what I want in life except to STOP COUGHING TIL I VOMIT. This Asthma, if it is that, has to stop. This is no way to live.