Strong

Christmas party was Saturday night. It was beautiful, as always. For the last few years I’ve done better at social events but I sort of reverted at this one back to feeling insecure and pathetic. Paul wasn’t there as much as I’d have liked, but we talked about it and I think we have worked it out.

My knee is killing me for about a full day now and I need to get back into physical therapy for a multitude of reasons. My thyroid MIGHT be off but I need to see, I’m getting blood tested in the morning for my cyclosporine levels (for the cancer) so I’ll have them draw for thryoid as well.

Jarrod was really there for me when I got home and was upset. He understands how social events are hard, he feels the same way. He also is super protective… or he used to be moreso. I think he would be still if things were different, although I never used to let him be. I liked to fight my own fights. Maybe I wasn’t vulnerable enough.

Paul seems to think I’m not strong right now. That bugs me. So what, I’m insecure? Everyone battles that sometimes. I don’t go running from rooms in tears, I don’t back down, I don’t give up. I just feel bad. It happens. Look, the reality is I’m overweight and I’m not comfortable with my looks because of it. But I know I have great qualities and I’m worthwhile.

What else can I say. Sometimes I just get to feeling unwanted, unimportant, and out of place. Like I’m wearing a clown suit in a room of people. Why? Because that’s my tape in my head running with all the dumb feelings that aren’t fair to me. I know that, and I am working on it. Having Paul feel concerned – freaked out – makes that feeling even worse.

Sometimes I step outside myself and see a person whose intentions are misunderstood. I think, sometimes, people completely don’t get me or they think I’m something I’m not. I want to sit them down and tell them hey, you’re all wrong. But I know that’s not the way. The only way is to continually act as best I can with grace and integrity and let the chips fall where they may.

But in the end, you don’t know what I’ve seen or been through. I’m strong for a reason, a lot of reasons. Those reasons include the years of being that kid nobody liked. It sucks, but I can face it again. It’ll all be okay.