Dear me

I’ve been through a lot in these last few weeks. I don’t think recounting it all would do any good. I’m actually forcing myself to write this and I should be in bed. But at least I slept most of the day so I shouldn’t be too tired tomorrow.

I’m making significant changes in my life in order to adapt to the increased demands of work and to correct the toll depression has taken on me. I still have the same overarching problems I had before - those have not disappeared - but there has been a huge development there for me. I now understand and have clarity and therefore progress has been made.

My task now is to survive - to strike at the balance of work and self-care. I’ve never been very good at self care and I think that reflects in my work and my health. I’ve made drastic changes with that when I got sick. Now… now I’m being asked to step up in both regards. I feel angry and hurt and resentful. And none of that - my feeling about it - matters. All that matters is making the grade, this is yet another bar exam, lsat, courseload, impersonal bullshit thing that doesn’t care how hard you tried or who you are or what you bring to the table. Make the grade or not. And I plan to make the grade.

So I dig down deep into my reserves to pull up more strength, more energy… and pray, God.. that I am able to be consistent. I didn’t realize I was slipping before. Now I’ll be on my guard. But even so, it’s a daily struggle and I’m giving up more of my life. I now will have four out of twenty four hours that are my own and I am conscious. That means twenty hours that belong to someone else/some other task or errand/sleep. I really do hope this is what I want in life.