Another Sleepless Night

Another sleepless night of pain. This time, I know why. I thought once I got the medication for it I would hurt less. Yes, it does work a bit but here I am … three advil in me, a hot shower, and my new drug and I’m still aching.  I think this time the anxiety has a lot to do with it.

Sources of Anxiety:

Work. There’s always the question of the unknown with work – who/what will explode on fire. Who will throw you under the bus. What stupid thing you did that you do/don’t remember that will bite you in the ass. Right now though this is in the back burner for me.

Health. Another piece of the puzzle given to me – I’m going to tell everyone at work it’s simply bone/joint problems from the cancer. But the truth is more complex than that, it’s both the cause and the effect. It sounds too weird to think connective tissue disease can cause cancer, so I’m not going to explain that to people. I have two new doctors I have to see – and x-rays to pick up and deliver. My health is a full time job on top of my full-time job and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed.

Finances. Jarrod and I got a new card through his parents and moved some debt from the high-interest card over to it. Some more we will move around today on other cards. Then I have to ask my parents to refinance our loan with them for some more money and longer duration, and then that big awful card should be history. At that point, we can think about the future.

My family. My sister is foremost in my thoughts lately with what is going on with her. It occurred to me it was my mother’s 60th birthday and she has been sad for the majority of those 60 years. I really wish she could be happy. I love her so much. My father.. all of them… I wish I could hug them all and remind them how strong they have been for each other. That they have to care for themselves, too. And stop caring what other people think. I would like to see them again but every time I think about it, my finance worries and my other worries take hold.

Emotions. Will I always be like this? go from feeling passion to being empty and shut off? Can I stop that cycle? Why do I do it? When I am withdrawn I don’t know if I will ever come back. I know that lack of feeling during that time means nothing, and I can turn it back on if I try really hard. Or if something triggers it, like this last time. But I also know it will return.. and I will pull away… and then I cannot trust what I do/don’t feel. I am empty, uncaring, and cold. I simply go through the motions.  It is NOT some… shut down from stressors. It’s like.. something comes up that is important and I go into business mode. My wants/desires/passions are unimportant. I just get it all done and I’m cold as hell. Then.. over time, weeks? months? it comes back like hardy spring flowers through the last bits of snow. Over and over, winters and springs, and I can’t stop.

So when I’m in spring I feel, but i don’t trust those feelings because I know winter will come again and I will feel nothing. Why commit to anything when those feelings end. Why trust any feeling when those feelings die? Passion, desire, all are fleeting and die like those spring flowers when a frost comes. The only thing permanent are the facts, the realities…

I hate this.