needs

Right now i feel like nobody can listen to me the way I need. No one can elicit the words that need to escape me. Not friends who are very needy, not my parents, certainly not work… everyone needs and nobody is able to spend the time to sit down and pull it out.

I feel like i need a week of silence by a babbling brook or something to finally have the strength to say what is building inside. It’s… it’s shame. I feel ashamed of how good I’ve done, afraid of the attention I’ve gotten, shame for being afraid of the attention… and really, really beating myself when I take any misstep. Self doubt when I take decisive action and make things happen. Shock at how quickly I can stop a train. Fear that that power is wrongly used or will bite me in the ass.

I was never one to use power or even advocate its use. I was the one who says “its not worth it” to ease over the pain of being powerless. Today I made a huge change in the life of two people at work within 10 minutes. Beginning to end.

Now, now… now this fear grows deeper and grabs hold of me and rattles me all fucking day long… because I misstepped. And caught myself. Something happened with a case and before sense returned and I could think straight enough to see the solution, the big boss was there, asking questions, being involved. When it finally clicked for me, the damage had been done. She knew there was that possibility of mistake. And now my position, my power, is weakened. Do I want to use that power? No. But losing it scares me. Even if it happened and I got passed up, I would be very unhappy, but I would live. I would survive. I know I have more to show her. She just needs to trust me a little bit longer.

And Paul is worried, terrified, all the time. I cannot calm him. Ky and Chris are constantly at it, nagging, complaining, abusing. I call my mother to tell her I’m afraid and my small problems are dwarfed by my sister and the life they are currently living right now. Jarrod wants me to stay around more, silently… be more… be different.. he says so silently. I know without him saying. So where do i go to open my mouth? How do I form the words? What words do I say?

No, I dont want you to stop needing me. I dont want anyone to stop wanting me. I guess I just need to deal with it and accept the consequences.