Arthritis

It’s pretty bad tonight. The pain (and my brain) are keeping me awake when I’m so tired. I’m full of guilt about  not working hard enough, negative self-image (a LOT of that), and just frustration at being unable to control my thoughts. I am giving myself a break but hating myself for it. It’s amazing what the brain can do.

My cat just came up to see me, she’s so silky. Another thing I feel guilty enough, not spending enough time with those two kitties.

God, aren’t I too old for these teenage feelings? negative self-image, guilt, and all that? Hadn’t I moved past it all and said.. none of this crap matters?

What did matter over the last 8 months that got me through? What was I focussing on? What was I thinking? I know I wasn’t worrying as much as I do now. What WAS I thinking? I know I was sad at times. I know I was thinking of being gone and it was hard to deal with. But I was at peace, and I can’t figure out why that was. I know i didn’t give a damn about my weight except peripherally as something I wanted to work on. I took work with a grain of salt and a deep breath. Now everything seems just so much more serious … I guess I have lost my perspective.

No, Julie, he doesn’t always hear me. But sometimes he hears me better than I hear myself… I don’t know which case this is here, if not both.