Cancer

There has been an update to that whole situation which is good news, which I can only summarize with the following: the prognosis is very good, I am doing really well, I no longer need a bone marrow transplant. All great news!

I also am doing really well at work, got a raise and a ton of recognition. Everything is really good right now aside from a couple of dumbass friends acting retarded and my mentor being kinda bitchy. I’m ignoring that for now because I don’t feel the need to be bothered by childishness. Truthfully it hardly bothers me at all because I see it for what it is – them, not me.

I have truly enjoyed the upswing in everything, I really have. It is frightening, I will admit. I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out. Perhaps I’ve finally just climbed up another level in life, earned it or something like that. Who knows?

But there is some melancholy. I don’t know what it’s about. Maybe it’s chemical. Maybe not. There is something to be said to having your whole life dumped back into your lap with “here, you finish it” kinda written all over it. When before everything was cram cram cram everything in last minute, now, and believe me I don’t think I have any right to complain about this, I’m left with this mess and told to make something of it.

What the hell do I make from this? Haven’t I already done something with it? A successful career, a personal life, a family I love? Am I really back where I started, asking ‘what else is there?’ Shouldn’t I know, after cancer, that THIS is enough?

And I think that’s why I’m sad, because I’ve been given another chance at life and I still haven’t learned that lesson. I still want more… of what? What do I WANT? Isn’t life enough?