Accepting Compliments

Life has been a bit different the last few weeks. Yes, I got drilled again (another bone marrow biopsy) and that wasn’t any fun. But I’m also making small improvements in my life – eating better, walking, dressing better (self-care, my big issue), and small things here and there that I won’t mention out of vanity.

The results are already showing. It also helped me realize that there are quite a few people out there who really want to see me succeed and flourish, including simply acquaintances who I had not expected to care.

Boss hired another attorney and she’s actually quite lovely and not some harpy. In fact, I rather like her. She’s sharp – and strong, and not some blonde Orange County clone.

Finished Atlas Shrugged, something I always wanted to do. It was easily the most life-changing book I’ve ever read. It lays out and frees us from the trickery our minds play.

Paul and I spend a lot of time together comforting one another through the things we must accept (It is what it is) and the things we must change to thrive (smoking, drinking, weight). Jarrod is supportive and his humor about the situation keeps me going.

The people I love, I look around, and they are all so amazing. I see so much of what they have inside and how hard they try. I see a lot of myself in them like a mirror. I see what worth the good fight imbues in a person. While you are fighting it feels like so much is taken away, you feel eroded and thrashed. But what you don’t see is how much you grow and learn to bend with the flood, adapt, and be strong for the next wave. It’s amazing to see it in my younger coworkers like John and Jennifer. This one is a woman to be reckoned with, not a phony bone in her. I immediately liked her.

I also appreciated going out to dinner with the boss and three other women over 27 to 41. I don’t think either person I told this story to actually undestood exactly what this event meant to me. These women were classy, educated, wealthy (not me, hehe) and intelligent. The conversation was not about weddings or babies. We were kind to one another and sincere, although it was mostly anecdotal, I felt refreshed. I was also able to sit back and be quiet without feeling I had anything to prove. I was comfortable in my skin. I knew that when we got back to the office, I would be put in charge and I should take that responsibility with humility and diligence – which I would and did.

I don’t think a lot about dying as anything out of the ordinary or as anything happening soon. It seems a fact of life to me that unless I am told otherwise, my days are numbered. But a short life can still be a powerful and relevant life, and if I stopped in my tracks to rest that wouldn’t really achieve anything or save me at all. The job that provides me mental stimulus and challenge; social interaction and emotional food; that job also drives me nuts and takes so much out of me, and often humiliates and demeans me. But I know I BELONG here right now and I need to be here, fully, and be more me than I have ever been. To let my light glow strong, passionately, and with grace.

I am definately not an angel. But to live your life without truly living is a bigger sin, i think, than living “morally” but dead inside. One day I hope to make terms with my problems, or maybe they will make terms with me. One day my fear may not chain me down so. But for today, I’m happy.