Posting.

I haven’t posted apparently in months. People get on me about it. So, here you go I guess:

I feel good as I become more experienced at my job. The environment of so many people reminds me of high school and I haven’t felt like a part of a unit or team – certainly not of that size – in a very long time. I missed it. I’m there now 9 months and things seem to be fairly stable so long as I can keep my hours up. 2,000 hours seems undoable.

It goes without saying the difficulties I face with cancer and long hours. But I refuse to bow to the weakness of the body now. There’s so much left to do and learn. There’s a feeling I must attain – one that says “Ok, I’ve done it. I can do it.” I need to prove to myself I can do it.

People – clients – come out of the woodwork now with needs. I try to limit it but they still keep me up at night – only sleeping pills keep their needs at bay. Their needs are attached to threats – that if I can’t deliver they will have me punished or fired.

Family members are needy too.. they want to see me, they want to hear from me, they want constant contact. Friends want my time, tons of it, or they are hurt. There are others with needs, too, but they know who they are and what the needs are.

None of these are unreasonable so it’s difficult to get upset about it. But sometimes I feel like I did when I got my tattoo — i could feel what was going on but i withdrew so far in myself. Paul asked me questions and I couldn’t get my mouth to move. I was far away inside, looking out a very far tunnel and had no desire to be the one in control of my body. It was the ultimate in being tired, and withdrawing out of that shell that is my body. I truly felt.. “I know you need me but I’m not here. You will have to take care of things.”

It’s not that I have a problem being needed. I prefer being wanted. But needed is something I understand and it does not bother me. I just wish that those people who suddenly need me who never did before valued me enough before I had cancer to recognize what I meant to them then.

I wish people could see the focussed laser of self I have inside – see what they are dealing with. Yes, I’m typically cheerful and loving. But I’m also so done with bullshit around me and I refuse to submit anymore. One day someone will get full blast after abusing me – I have no quarter for bullies. I would walk out of there, no regrets, self-respect intact. It’s a job and not my life. I’ve suffered through before without one, struggling and racking up debt. Yeah, I have my self-respect and worth all tied up in it, but I need to quit that bull anyway. I need to know I’m more than that.

Every single day I wake up, drive to some court hearing or something and deal with it even though I’m sick as I am, I send a gigantic FUCK YOU to the power that dictates that I am to be weak and struggling. What it takes out of me leaves me so drained I do not want to be touched or loved or I would crumble to bits like a dried-out leaf.

But I am in control, for whatever the hell that’s worth.