Work tomorrow

I had a fun couple of days and on Saturday went to Disney with some free tickets I got. I pushed too hard and ended up feeling exhausted. I’ve been resting on and off since. Even this morning before picking J up from the airport, I passed out for two hours on the couch in a co-worker’s office. Then i came home, and passed out again. Now I’m getting ready to go back to bed. And I hope to god i actually fall asleep and not worry about work again.

I love to get out and do things… I want to enjoy things before I go into the hospital. But on the other hand, it’s simply such a punishment afterwards to be so worn out and tired. I feel like an invalid, sometimes I wish someone could just pick me up and carry me to bed half the time. I feel so weak.

I simply cannot worry about other peoples’ needs right now. It’s my downfall especially at work. I cannot tune into and be empathetic as much as I need to to do my job right. I get angry with their neediness although my job is to be there for their needs. Unfortunately my illness is getting in the way of that and I’m afraid my boss will see it and realize I’m not the person she hired. More stress.

J is unhappy now. I know that. I cannot fix that right now. I feel bad I cannot make things better but I just am worrying about taking it day by day. I’m crawling out of my skin and want to run away. Every day I have to stand strong and it takes so much out of me.

Tomorrow will be a hard day. Time to rest and try to be strong enough to face it.