Sunflower & Sun

Well, I will have to come back and fill in more about what has been going on the last few weeks. Suffice it to say, I have found more information out and received more transfusions, etc. It is a very negative prognosis.

When I found out I needed the bone marrow transplant, I decided to get a tattoo. It was Paul, a shining light in my life right now, who suggested the sunflower. How he knew how much that flower meant to me, I don’t know. It always symbolized happy times, a happy flower, so much alive and beautiful in a sturdy, sunny way. It is happy in a way I never let myself be, but always admired.

Today I had it put on my hip. It was bigger than I expected but I am thoroughly impressed with it. I will upload a picture when it is healed. Paul stayed with me, holding my hand and making sure I was breathing right. I don’t let people care for me often, but there were moments when I felt I was drifting away in waves of trust and care. At another point, I broke down. Not from the pain, which was intense at times, but from the thought of why I was getting it. I don’t want to think of a time when I will be lying in my hospital bed and realize that I won’t make it. I don’t want to know. I’d rather just be gone.

I am coping. These thoughts come over me overwhelmingly at times, in the shower I grip the handle to steady myself from the heavy thoughts that hit me like rocks. Other times I know I am a survivor, a fighter, with good friends and a loving family. I distract myself with working hard and staying out with friends and loved ones as much as possible. Sitting around just makes me crazy. I just can’t stand it. Even after the hospital trip on Friday, which was horrible, I wanted to see my friends more than anything.

I do picture a future. A hard one, but a future. I finally see what I want, and that is something I never thought I’d ever know. This sunflower is turning her face to the sun, and never looking back.