Even

Even the most powerful, strongest, bravest people in the world have moments when they take a chance.. and tremble in their boots over the fears they have.

I’m in a better position than most.

Why? I couldn’t take one more second. It sounds lame, but it’s true. I was miserable.

—
I feel guilty. I feel sad. I feel haunted. Maybe everything I said to my dad is true. Maybe we are a weird family, and I’m the weirdest of all of us. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just suffer through like everyone else and not have my “demons” fuck with me in such unusual ways?

My sister is probably right. I do drift from job to job. I stuck with this one for a year before it got intolerable.

Now Jarrod has to deal with me being haunted. Why again does he have to deal with my shit?
Its times like this i want to take a whole bottle of sleeping pills so that i dont have to feel the guilt, the doubt, the worry, and the question… was i wrong?
—

last night i dreamed about an old woman dying. I held her hand while she passed away. Her family didn’t want to value who she was or her belongings, her history, or even her passing. I saved everything I could, did what I could to protect the rest, and held her hand… listened and watched as she died.

I knew even subconsciously that I was going to let it die. I’m afraid, did I die with it? Did I finally show my weakness? Did I give in too early? it is just a few days away from another possible change.. but I bolted too early… Even if that other thing works out, I will always wonder if I just simply couldn’t handle what was given to me.

everyone’s voice has that tone of.. are you sure? in it. when I speak I sound to myself like I am trying to justify things. Why isnt anyone EXCEPT dan saying.. go against convention, look for your happiness?

I know this new option will not be my happiness, but it will be good enough. Or at least I thought so before today.