Brain working overtime again

On nights when its so humid my bones seem to be one giant bone, pressed tightly into every single muscle… my brain can’t stop spinning in circles over every perceived flaw in my body, soul, and behavior. My jaw feels like someone plastered it into position and even when I do exercises to relax, it simply stays put.

I’m too hot, or too cold, and any pressure on any part of my body feels like hell and brings all the aches to the surface. My neck is uncomfortable in every single position, 1 pillow, no pillows, 2 pillows. In the end I usually take motrin, a hot bath or shower, and even then I suffer. Sleep does not come until I’m ready to pass out.

On these nights I review my performance at work, in my relationships. Today I feel guilty I’m taking tomorrow off, even though I have someone coming to the apartment to do something and I brought home work with me. I don’t even know why this is a concern since everyone makes it clear I can come and go as I please. I guess I have a sneaking suspicion that isn’t entirely true.

Then I worry about Wes – I hate how he never calls me back. I hate how in these last 2 1/2 weeks, all I’ve gotten was a three sentence email. He really just doesn’t care enough to take the time to let me know he’s ok. I realize he’s busy, but no one is ever THAT busy that they can’t make time for the people they care about. I feel used, I feel taken for granted, I feel angry, and I feel guilty that I even still care enough to make excuses in my own mind for him. The heart is a stupid instrument.

I worry about Jarrod. I worry about our money situation, our health, his job future, and our marriage. Yes, we are good together, but we have problems – or at least one – that I cannot seem to overcome. And my jaw clenches harder.

I swear to God sometimes I wish I had ether or vicadin or a bottle of something to smack myself over the head with the stop the agony.