Sunday

Every day this week has felt like Sunday night.. the dread of the next day looming. It’s now sunday morning (2 am) and Monday is soon to rear its ugly head.

Jarrod doesn’t seem concerned the way I am about my career choice. His feeling is – it isn’t a good time to worry about it. Maybe he’s right, but I’m not sure there ever is a good time.

I feel concerned that he doesn’t care about whether I’m at peace with it, he just thinks that if I’m good at it (which is still not yet determined) that that should be good enough. And he sees the potential for us to live comfortably. Sometimes when I listen to him he doesn’t seem to have my best interest at heart. Maybe that isn’t fair, but it’s how I feel.

What I’m worried about is I don’t know who I am turning into. I said that to him and he said I sound the same, just with more confidence. I’m not sure I like who I am becoming. It’s becoming easier to do the things that used to be a big deal or scare me, that I like. Mom said.. Mom said I sound satisfied with myself at every new thing I manage to do. That’s fair, I guess. Is it wrong or stuck up? I hope not.

I am really nervous about this stuff. He might think it’s all related to the bad news I got at work Friday, but I think that that’s only a part of it, a part I’ve mostly now worked through. I hate feeling like he doesn’t hear or understand me, it’s unusual.

Stan says being in court is often like having a bucket of shit dumped on your head and not reacting to it. It’s amazing how often in my life that has been occuring lately, and I just think rationally about what to do next. I’m not who I was. I don’t know who this new person is. I’m not sure how I feel about myself anymore.