I did not know

That human beings could be so insanely, incredibly busy.

All I do is work work work. I’m enjoying most of what I do.. I am starting to feel confident about myself for the first time in years, and my abilities. I’m doing good work for Stan, getting him organized and (mostly) on time. I’m learning about all the things we were never taught in school, however, I’m still nervous about all the new places I’m driving to and all the experiences I’ve yet to encounter.. and I’m still scared about messing up and appearing at hearings. My next one is September 29. I’m nervous, but I do know that my case is very strong so long as a mistake I made (a reasonable one, I think) is not held against me.

Jarrod and I are very stressed out. We are both grinding our teeth. Last night we both left work late and he took me to Mimi’s so Shannon could make us special food.. basically baby us and make us laugh. It was really so painfully obvious I needed it.. I laughed so hard and relaxed for the first time all day.

My eye is twitching… there’s just so much going on that I need to do every day that I don’t even know where to begin half the time. So much is late or put off to the last possible second. So much I don’t know how to do yet and don’t have Stan there to help me with (he’s in trial as of 2 days ago). While I enjoy learning, and knowing new things, and impressing the clients with how good the work is… I do NOT enjoy the way I feel alone on a lot of things. I don’t like the stress of filing the actual filings, and I don’t like driving to new places to do hearings, whatnot.

Oh, and I don’t like some of the clients. They are weenie heads. Some are fine.

It’s a balance, I guess. Some times I look around me and feel like crying. It’s so pathetic in some ways.. dirty, broken, understaffed, underpaid, undercleaned.. the office, etc. Other times I feel proud of myself for learning all of this the right way, the hard way, the honest way. Being a litigator, something I never thought I would ever be able to do, something I did not think I was cut out for. Still, I might not be, but I know.. I know I am trying and I’m learning what I’m good at and what I’m not, what I like and what I don’t.

So I guess it’s minute by minute – day by day