Fighting

I’m having difficulty finding any job listings that I qualify for. Seems to be a dry spell. I haven’t heard from the interview last week but I plan to call and send a thank you letter to follow up. Actually I have a lot of plans, unfortunately all of them require money Jarrod and I don’t have. The most important is finding a new doctor before the synthroid medication runs out this month.

Today I had a lot of plans to go out and get stuff done, and then I passed out. Probably it was somewhat induced by food, but I have been very weak lately and extremely effected by the heat. I look at my throat which seems to have enlarged in the thyroid area and I wonder if I’m getting a tumor or more nodules there. Something seems off, aside from my life sucking so much.

Yesterday Jarrod and I got into a big argument over something stupid – well, moreso how he said something to me and how I responded. There was fault on both sides, which is irrelevant except as between us. It’s been resolved. What’s not irrelevant is I went out and drove around for a while to clear my head. Jarrod and I have been fighting together (not each other, but together) this whole life and world tooth and nail. Nothing has been easy. We keep making a lot of the same mistakes over and over. We have learned from some, some we have learned about how to control but then we choose not to, and some we just still don’t know how to handle.

I would say a success is we have learned successfully how to manage money when we have none, or very little. We used to spend more frivolously when I first met him and when I first moved out here. But now we both shop wisely and infrequently and make the best of what we have.

Something we learned that we choose not to do – I was cooking for a while and I was losing weight for a while. But when I get stressed or sad I find it difficult to find the energy to do this. I know I can do it successfully but I am not committed now. I want to be, but I am not ready for whatever reason. I guess I still would rather eat badly than be thin.

Something I don’t know how to resolve. My health is a big one there. I don’t feel like I have had proper guidance. People just string me along month to month and we never get to the bottom of anything. I do not know how to make this work. Some parts of it, I’m convinced, are permanent and I will have to just learn how to accept.

Mediation classes tell you there are solutions to every “conflict.” Have someone with authority decide for you, live with it, run away, or try to work it out with that person/thing. Right now I think I’m stuck in run away mode. I am sad. This mode is not working. But for some reason I’m stuck here in this gear and I have not made the commitment or choice to leave it. I have not made the choice to be happy right now despite the crap going on. I feel like I want to feel sorry for myself until I can figure out what I did wrong and forgive myself for it. What I did wrong to get me fired? Sure. But what I did wrong to be in this mess, in these shoes, with a life bigger than I ever intended for it to be. A big, messy, giant wad of sticky confusion.