interview

So.. an interview. I got into the swing of it on the way there. Still down, sure, but up for the challenge. It went fairly well, I can’t say it was awful or stellar. Just there. I think I might get a callback interview. At that point, the tough questions about me and litigating will come up and I will either have to commit myself to litigating and liking it (ugh) or I will blow it. I need to get there mentally. Or get another job interview before then Preferably with an offer.

Sometimes, I look at Browen’s blog and think how alike we are. Lately I look at it and think.. we are so different. She’s religious and goes to church, I would sooner stab myself in the eye with a soup ladle. That’s the biggest glaring difference to me. There are many others.

She puts a lot out there – more than I do, and in some ways this makes me envious and other ways it makes me cringe. But she’s living her life – and making some damn nice progress especially in the health area. If only I could do the same. Oh, and while she whines about her weight all the time, I would kill for HER figure. She reminds me of the girl who gets B’s on her papers and whines to the girl who gets D’s. *shakes Browen* — stop listening to beauty mags! You look great the way you are! Just be healthy and enjoy your body, and stop worrying about anything else. Once I get down to your weight I will be healthier and I’m not going to push for 120, believe you me.

Last week Jarrod took me to get blood tests done and we discovered while they would do out of the country blood tests, they would not accept out of state doctor blood tests. How.. stupid… I need to find a California doctor anyway, but I hate the idea of … once again… starting over with a doctor. I refuse to go back to Doctor Middler. Everything I’ve read about the diet he put me on said it was not only dangerous, but highly unlikely to work (I lost maybe 2 lbs during that whole thing). Then I dieted on my own (with a lot more than 500 calories a day) and lost 8 lbs in 3 weeks. Well, and then I fell off the wagon – but not because of hunger, instead it was because of life circumstances. At some point I need to learn how to not let life get in the way, but unfortunately food and sleep are my comforts and I need comforting too much since I became a grownup.

As I told my mother and Andy.. I can’t control what happens to me, only how I deal with it. You can’t make life be better. You can just deal with it better. But then I think about Derek (slart) and his reminders of how life just isn’t like this for everyone all the time. He’s right too. My life is hard because I MADE it hard. I moved away. I got married (which is challenging in itself) to a man who needs to be away for a lot of his own reasons. I went to law school (which I deeply wish I hadn’t – god, I would have been a much better psychologist or psychiatrist.) I keep trying to get high paying good jobs instead of being a housewife or something (which frankly I would prefer since then I could hide all the time). I have always taken the highroad for girlscouts. If I wanted I could have married some rich guy, or run away to somewhere quiet and worked in a barnes and nobles or something.

But I’m forcing myself out there. And I wish I fucking knew why – after all these years and all the pain, physical damage and emotional suffering. Why do I do this? Why DON’T I move to some quiet country home and write books and plant flowers?

I’ll tell you.. I’m praying for an answer. Because if I have a good one I could live with it. But as it is right now I’m… an automaton.