The wise, wise Kitsune

Look, I’m updating!

I am not so sad anymore in general. Instead… oh this is so pathetic, but I hate myself right now.
I hate how bubbly I act (although the clients find it charming – especially one specific female british writer who finds me incredibly cheerful.) I hate how I feel, in certain situations, like I have to go to battle for people. Even though in the alternative I would hate myself for NOT saying something.

In addition, I feel like the “little kid” at the office and nobody takes me seriously yet. Part of this is the bubbly thing…

There are things I don’t hate about me. Yesterday I feel down (weak spell) in the parking lot across from work on a day I had scheduled to meet two famous writers. I poured hot coffee on my shirt, in my hair. I broke my shoes. And I had a huge, bleeding, painful gash in my knee. After being helped to my feet by a good samaritan, I walked across the street, got some bandaids, and walked into the executive bathroom where I washed my shirt, cleaned the cuts and dirt off me, and fixed my hair. I walked around barefoot, and with a painful limp, but otherwise nobody would have known.

I have also adapted. I don’t talk in meetings, despite the urge to do so. (I picked up signals when I did.) I sit by my desk and don’t wander up front. I ask questions via email instead of via dropping by my boss’s desk. I keep my bubbles to a low percolate instead of cheerful overboil, which my bosses seem to resent in me. I will have to adapt more in order not to hate myself.