Dawning

It’s 4:30 AM and I’m up because I have a bad (I’m assuming stress-related) cough, it was boiling hot in my bedroom, and I am dehydrated. Figured I’d get some blogging down while I was forcing down four cups of water to replenish my body.

Today I start my new job. My new life. My first “real” job – not a temp thing, not a while-i’m-looking-for-something-else thing, A real, decent-paying, honest to God job. I just could NOT be happier about it. It’s like a dream come true.

I miss Boo. Jarrod and I went out to dinner with Xin-Min and Richard, some friends of ours, and I kept saying his name or thinking about him… he was a good kitty and I got pretty depressed over his loss.

Things, as Andy said, got pretty roller-coastery there for me for a while. You know you’d think I’d be friggin happy 100% but as I keep telling Jarrod, there’s this.. nagging feeling of bitterness behind it all. I feel PISSED. It was hard to acknowledge the feeling because it just doesn’t seem right to feel bitter right now. It’s hard to talk about, but I’m angry at my father for how he treated my mother, my sister and Boo during Boo’s last week alive. I’m angry at Fernando for not trying to make things work and for being unrealistic and unapologetic about it. And I’m *really* angry about how hard it was to get to this point from where I was at in 2000. The last five years have been hell. I know law school was supposed to be difficult. I just didnt expect the rest of it. The bad jobs, the bad treatment from people in our lives (trainers, doctors, etc.) who were supposed to be there for us, family problems, money problems, health problems, the problems inherent in moving and starting out, the letdowns, the false hopes, the being misled into thinking the eventual payoff for delayed gratification would be WAY MORE than it actually was….

I should be over this. This is a new day and a new life, starting from here should be a fresh slate.

But it’s not.

I’m pissed.