Horrible

Today I woke up at a crazy hour unable to swallow. So I sucked on a menthol-lyptus and went back to bed. Next I woke up at 10 am, again unable to swallow and coughing and unable to breathe. I finished off the bottle of nyquil, about 1/4 of a dose, since I didn’t have work and I barely slept with my breathing problems. At 5:30 pm I woke up unable to smell or taste anything. I ate some food – and I have NEVER experienced this before, but I couldn’t taste one bit of it. I took a shower and couldn’t smell the soap or the raspberry shampoo. After blowing my nose clear, I still couldn’t smell anything, so I looked it up on the web. They recommended sinus medication. I took some aleve cold and sinus and after a half hour, I finally could smell and taste things. The internet is an amazing thing.

I had a bunch of mild tea tonight but my nose and throat still are killing me. I felt like a zombie even though it was non-drowsy meds. I passed out after dinner until about 1 am. Jarrod and I decided to spend some time together watching “Once Upon a Time in Mexico” which aside from Johnny Depp’s performance, was completely and utterly boring.

I feel sad I wasted tivo space on it.

I got an email from Fernando today – apparently I’m doing a court ordered mediation at the Pomona courthouse on March 2. He apparently elected me for it, and I’ll be training one of our volunteer mediators during it. I don’t so much have a problem with that as much as I wish I would have known before he volunteered me for it.

Other than that, I didn’t hear back from the girl about the interview. I’m positive they have not had the time to interview anyone else, either, so I’m not terribly worried. I’m hoping I get well before they ask to see me. In a way I wonder if there’s some fated reason why I’m getting this extra time beforehand….

Anyway.. not much else to say. I’m starting to feel complete again. My priorities are shifting. I guess I want stability, comfort created on my own. I’m hoping to create a personal structure and haven within my own life, now that I’m done with school and looking for my “real” job. I want to start building some permanence.. a house, a family/friend network, a routine, etc. We have some of that now but not enough.

Once I went to a therapist.. she asked me what I wanted. I couldn’t tell her. In fact I had never known what I wanted, it was always a question of what I “should” do. She asked me what I dreamed about when I was going to sleep and dreamt of what I wanted. I told her I dreamed about security and comfort, being in a warm house with snow outside, cats and someone I love, locked away from the world. Protected, invisible, secure. I guess even now I want that, and I’m going to try to make it real, as much as it can be. There’s no way to be protected, invisible and secure on the 5 or 10 freeways in Los Angeles, but maybe when I come home to my own house one day, to my bouncing kitties and devoted husband, and maybe kids one day.. I might get my own piece of what i want and love.