This probably will not get posted

Blogspot has this irritating habit of not working at the wee small hours of the morning. I make no bets as to whether this will make it up, but I have some things to say before I attempt to go back to sleep.

Gosh… where to start. Sometimes the thoughts in my head are just a jumble, and it stops me from sleeping. I really need to get back on some anti-anxiety sleep medication. But, that’s part of the problem – I have a list of things I need to do and I have seriously been putting all of them off way too long. I just think about it and get tired. I think about doing _anything_ and get tired. I was/am hoping the job situation (having a part-time job) would improve on that. So far, I woke up with what Jarrod seems to think was some anemia-like thing.. I was so beat and tired and wasted looking, it could very well be.

I had told Fernando I’d be in and here it was, my second day, the day after I bragged to him how much better in general I feel, and I was feeling like shit. So I made something up (god I hope he doesn’t read this — I’m 90% certain he doesn’t.) about working on the grant some more from home, then passed out again. I woke up for a few hours and then went back to bed at around 9 pm. Jarrod woke me up at 12:30 am when he came to bed, and it was ridiculously hot in the bedroom and I was dehydrated. So I got up to drink and then go back to bed, but I feel anxious (even though I’m tired) and want to get it out of my system before I go back to bed.

Andy got those pictures for me 0f the graves. It’s really amazing. However, I’m back to square one looking for Anton’s wife. I went back to my basic sources but I am at a brick wall with it. I had so much hope that maybe she would be in a grave around Anton’s, but apparently she died before they came to Saint Louis. My last record of her alive was 1880 in Illinois, and she was dead by 1900. 1890 census went up in flames, so.. basically I’m screwed.

Makes me want to fly out to see Andy and have him drive us to Clinton County, Illinois, which I know he‘d do in an instant, but that opens up another whole can of worms I’m not sure I want to open. I’d search every damn grave in every damn cemetery for that chick, and go to the hall of records, too. I _need_ to find her!

On the job front, I don’t have much new going on. Over the weekend I sent out a bunch of resumes and I should probably call to follow up, but aside from that there’s not much doing. I found one more listing so far since Sunday, but that’s about it. I need to figure out what criteria I want to slim down my cold mailing to, but once again that opens up above-said can of worms. I am SO damn wishy-washy! I keep flip-flopping back and forth about Los Angeles! *sigh*

It’s not that it’s so bad here. The weather’s nice. It’s not that I feel the urge to retake the bar elsewhere (although I wouldn’t have to in DC). It’s just.. something is missing and I can’t figure it out!! I’m not sure if it’s the place, or the lack of hobbies, or whatever! I simply don’t enjoy anything but escapism and eating to self-medicate anymore. I feel like sleeping all the time, even with the new boost of energy from the synthroid level rise. I feel like ignoring all phone calls and telling everybody to go away. I don’t even necessarily want Meddy (aside: that pic is so typical of her – she always has a foot sticking out like that, in a weird angle) around all the time, she’s been very clingy and I need space. Sometimes she pins me down and I feel trapped. Agh! I’m such a bleak person lately.

I don’t hate work, I actually prefer doing grants than dealing with people right now. It works out. I don’t have to be on time and I don’t have to see people i don’t like. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me!!! AGH!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! Why do I feel so OFF!?