Giddyap Jingle-Horse Kick up your Heels

so, last night Jarrod and I went to his christmas party at a swank Beverly Hills hotel. It was, as expected, gorgeous – Marilyn does such an incredible job of planning and designing parties. The cocktail hour was mostly seafood and sushi – and since I now eat sushi (at least tuna!) I was fine. Jarrod wore his wedding suit and looked really handsome. I met his friend Xin-min (said shin-min) and her boyfriend, Richard, and we really hit it off. We also sat with Craig, who I have gamed with on SWG in the past, so it was nice. The band kept playing really innappropriate songs – erm, Beast of Burden, Let’s Get it On, etc. so Xin-Min and I had a lot of laughs over that.

The filet mignon was _very_ rare and I didn’t love the dessert, some kind of apple thing, but there were some lovely speeches about Allen, Jarrod’s boss who passed away in April. It was hard for me, I guess the Xappers have gotten used to the idea he’s gone, but when I hear about it like that I still get choked up. Allen was an amazing person – and so vibrant. Somehow it doesn’t seem fair he’s gone. It’s not like we were close or anything, but I guess I admired him so much more than I knew.

As we were leaving I went up to his wife, Marilyn, and told her how beautiful a job she did, and I touched her hand in mine, clasping it sort of, and said I loved Allen very much. She smiled and said thank you. I didn’t mean to touch her like that but it was as if my heart made me do it. Afterwards I was worried I might have made her uncomfortable – it didn’t seem like it, but it’s an unusual gesture for me. I guess I just feel it so passionately – even now, I’m crying.

The gifts we got this year were some cute cut-crystal tumblers with silver lids with tiny bees on the top. I think they are adorable. Xap is so generous, really. If I ever own a company, I’d like to be equally generous.

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Oh – I quit my jobs! I went in on Thursday and Alfred told me Ruby had done the stocking thing (just confirming what I already knew). I asked Mary if that day could be my last, and she said no problem. She seemed relieved. Then I talked to Fernando, and he was disappointed but agreeable to whatever I wanted to do. I can’t help but feel like I’m letting him down by not trying to see this through, but I need something more secure. I’ve held onto a dream of working at this place permanently since May, and over and over, I’ve had my hopes ruined. It’s time to move on.

Anyway, Ruby came in with some paperwork. We were alone. I felt I had to unleash a little – in a diplomatic but firm way. She seemed stricken, but knew she was wrong. She tried to apologize, but I told her – you’ve had months to do one kind thing, say one friendly word. You blew it with me. I’m glad your sorry, but at this point, it means nothing.

So Friday was the potluck. I brought in a cranberry tart, exchanged gifts with Jennifer (secret santa crap) and avoided the party as much as possible. Fernando was a bit short with me about my “behavior” (I was cranky, I admit it – but as he knows everybody has days where the clients make them nuts and i had a few doozies in a row). It wasn’t hard to leave, but hard to accept I was giving up. When I got home I found myself crying myself to sleep.

So i’m leaving tonight for New York. I’m going to be looking for jobs, helping my parents ebay some crap, and spending quality time with them. I miss them terribly. It’s hard to leave my kitties and Jarrod, but I need this time to think and get a grip. So much has changed recently and I have no idea what I want to do now.