Shut Up, Just Shut Up Shut Up

I haven’t felt like talking for a looooooooooong time. As I told a friend recently, I just can’t stand to hear myself talk about what’s going on. I’m not sure exactly why, if it’s just too damn depressing or if I hate to complain at this point.

Essentially, I work anywhere from 8-12 hours a day at two jobs. Up until yesterday, I rarely ate lunch because frankly, I didn’t have the money for it. We didn’t have money for groceries. I would survive by eating a few pretzels and a diet soda that work would put out for the clients (and supposedly us). We were overdrawn 4 times last month, because we couldn’t keep up with the bills. My dad went over our budget and explained we were doing everything right, and that if we kept going we would eventually draw a positive.

He was right (although the landlord cashed the rent check sooner than we expected and once again, we are overdrawn today). We pulled a small positive last month, and we were able to spend $50 on groceries. So now we SHOULD be ok.

My car has started to squeak. Not while stopping, but while going. So we need to go to Jiffylube, especially since the damn thing is about a year and a half overdue for an oil change (don’t start.) And on top of that, the people I hit while backing out of the post office need $450 to get their bumper painted and light cover fixed. The issue with them is they got into another accident after me and tried to add to it the bill, but the mechanic caught it and gave me the heads up. Everyone says I should tell them to go fuck themselves now, but I feel like it’s best to do the right thing since I KNOW I was responsible for some of it.

I worry all the time. My jaw is stuck in permanent clench. I am tired all the time. I get nasty looks from some of my co-workers because they think I try to cut corners on time there. I made a bunch of errors on my work last week that showed up this week. I didn’t get a lot of training and the girl who did train me hates me (and told me so) because she didn’t get my humor. So I didn’t feel comfortable asking her for help, because every time I did she treated me like I was a moron. So I tried to do it on my own. Big mistake. Anyway, there’s a solution to this, another co-worker offered to help if I need it. But it’s too late to fix what I did wrong, and I refuse to feel any more guilty that I messed up. But I know it’s still held against me, and there’s nothing I can do about that.

F has been making comments about me stiffing him on hours. When I ask, “Are you serious?” he says no. But why keep making the comments then? I get there at 10-10:30 am. Way before he does get there. And i leave between 6:30-7 pm. Lately, anyway. I was pulling 12 hour days with him but every time I did, I would be too burnt out the next day to get up. Now I feel like he is losing faith in me. It hurts. I’ve told him I’m looking for a new job, even with the RFP possibly going through in January. He’s not mad about that, in fact, he encourages it. He knows it’s going to be a constant battle for money to be paid with. And I can’t handle the drive anymore. Especially for $10 an hour.

This whole situation sucks. I am constantly feeling bad about myself and my performance. I feel like this thing should be cake, but I am a slow learner in some areas. A hard worker, but a slow learner. Of course now that I know how to do the things I messed up on correctly, I don’t mess up anymore. But it’s too late, they have already made up their minds about me. And I feel like an idiot. A law school graduate and I can’t seem to grasp clerical work quickly.. I guess I am an idiot. I’ve always made careless errors when I learn something for the first time. Somehow, no matter how much I concentrate, i don’t seem to learn from being told, but from doing it, and having someone check it and point out errors… something they were unwilling to do. But it’s lame to blame them.

I’m ridiculously unhappy. I drag myself to work every day. I get verbally humiliated for my stupidity and personality daily. (Hating me is like hating a kitten, what the hell is wrong with the person who hates a kitten? I go out of my way to be sweet to people and the only annoying habit I have that they could point out is that I tend to be silly sometimes. OH NO!)

I’m thirsty.