it’s been a couple of days…

So here’s an update. Things are still pretty difficult, for various reasons. I do believe I am handling them better, however, than I did before. I’m still having trouble with being tired, and dragging. Considering how much I slept before, there is some improvement, but not much.

I am going through major hassles with worker’s comp at work. I’m kinda being bullied by our company about it. I’ll update on how THAT goes after tomorrow, because I plan on kicking a little ass over it after I got to the appointment I was ordered to be at, and it was the WRONG DAY. Gee, wonderful. Thanks.. so much… I really needed to lose out on the cash I could have been paid that day in order to hike my ass from Pomona to Hollywood… for the wrong day… especially since I KNOW they expect me to go on the correct day (later today) and frankly, I think they can kiss my ass. Unless required by law, I ain’t going.

Money is bad. Very, very bad. Jarrod and I are currently flat broke. I mean, scouring for change broke. We NEED to make it until Tuesday. I just found out I had an extra pound of chicken in the freezer and practically did a happy dance when I saw it.

I have to be AT POMONA tomorrow at 9 am for an appointment with a client for Fernando. This lady is expecting him but I guess that’s too early in the morning for some people

well, it is for me too! But whatever, I’m a trooper. Instead of my required 10 am, I’ll bust my ass to make it there and I bet she won’t even show. Plus, she’s a problem client AND I don’t even know what the case is about yet. I was so busy yesterday taking care of the final touches on the presentation I didn’t even get to read through the caselog. I will survive.

My headache finally went away – I think it was because I was out of pills. I’m feeling better since I took one, but I’m a human stresscase today thinking about that appointment tomorrow. I even took extra anxiety meds (my “emergency” ones) and I still am strung tighter than a piano.

Derek – a very good friend of mine – and I have been talking a lot lately about issues we’ve had. We argued a bit, which I HATE, but everything is resolved. I feel much, much better now and I’m sure he does too. I care so much about him, every minute we are angry or frustrated with one another is physically painful. I guess there’s just some connections between people you can’t mess with.

Jarrod is probably the only person who knows that when it comes to my friends or people I really care about, I cannot handle it when there are problems. I get VERY emotional. It’s just… one of those things about me. I rarely get highly emotional about anything, I think I’m usually pretty level-headed with a nice mixture of pensive/silly/positive for good measure. But when it comes to people who I care deeply about, and there are SO FEW of them… I ache. I really, really ache. I can’t breathe. I cry. I shake. I don’t know how to get it together.

As for Andy, he’s updated his blog which I don’t have a link to on this computer. I’ll add it tomorrow or something. He seems to be in a state of flux and wants a crystal ball to see what will lead him to happiness in terms of his career and probably other things. I can identify with one thing though.. when no option is more appealing than another in any way, just different, it’s hard to make a choice. And if you stay where you are instead of changing, you feel like you took the easy way out. And maybe you did, but not always. And if you change, you wonder if you made life unnecessarily hard for yourself and passed up on comfort and security. And yes, you did pass up on those things.

One thing I think I am learning about life is this.. everyone always says there are no wrong or right choices.. when you are making the choice is sure feels like there are. But I think the adage is not strictly true.

See, I think there are no wrong or right choices IN THE LONG RUN.. because you can find alternate routes to get where you are going.. and maybe along that way (you know, the friggin detour you get stuck on after you miss your exit) you see some scenery that makes you realize you really don’t need or want to go to that destination you had in mind in the first place. That’s the nice benefit of wrong choices. If you make a wrong turn on your way to the market, you might find there’s a market way closer to you with more choices. If you make a wrong turn on your way to the market, you might find the way you usually go was the best way after all. Who knows?

All I’m saying is this… right away, there are right and wrong choices that impact you. In the long run, there are alternate routes that can hold some added benefits. *shrug*

I think the one exception to that is who you choose to be with for the rest of your life. Or even who you break up with or fuck up your relationship with. You may find out later they were the best thing you ever had and you miss them terribly. You may find out it’s too late, and they are married with like 4 kids and you are married with 2. Then there’s no “alternate route” unless you plan to fuck up the lives of everyone involved and get divorced and run away.. and then, you aren’t really happy then anyway because you’re an asshole who messed up lots of people’s lives. So… I think relationships are the one place where it’s justified to be terrified to make a choice, but otherwise… choices aren’t so bad.

Ok.. trying for bed again.