thinking positively?

I kept telling myself, the day before yesterday, that would would not possibly be as bad as I imagined it – you know, you always picture it as worse than it really is when you dread something. No, I was wrong. Work was very, very bad. My immediate supervisor, while training me, was at the same moment badmouthing some of the other workers. That’s one of those things like.. wow, if she says that about them, what does she say about me?

That, I can imagine quite well, since she flat out said I must think I’m better than everyone else because I went to law school…. Uh, no. In fact, that’s a huge part of who I am – valuing people. Of course, this person doesn’t know me from a hole in the ground, so why should she believe me? She suggested I might think I’m better than washing out coffee pots or filing away files. Uh… I worked in two coffee shops and was a file clerk for 15 attorneys… you do what you have to.. since when did I suddenly give the impression I’m a prima donna? Especially in the first 5 minutes when I haven’t said diddly yet?

{Hi Phil}

So the office is boilingly hot and I’m stressed learning the new work I need to do, and I have no computer to do it on linked to the network so I basically had to work in the other room and run back and forth to ask them to run queries for me. Pain in the ass. It took me four hours to do 4 of them that way. I get a lupus – or whatever I get – attack. Meaning, I’m hot, shaking, and cannot focus or breathe. I feel like I’m going to pass out and I’m weak. I’m trying to type but my hands are shaking too much. I’m afraid to say anything to anyone about this on my first day lest they think I’m a slacker, liar, whatever…

I try to sit on the chair and it slides behind me. I grabbed onto the desk to my left but wasn’t strong enough to hold myself up.. I slammed my hip and back into the desk and fell on the floor. They thought this was amusing. I thought this was excruciating. I have large black and blue marks across my thigh and next to my shoulder blade.

I bailed on F., my second boss who I like, and told him I felt like crap and needed to go home. I drove home and practically passed out. I woke up, said hello to some mud friends, ate dinner, and went back to bed again.

I’m so scared. Today I have to do the phones alone because they are all going to be working putting together a library thing in the office. I know if I could simply relax it’ll be ok, but I HATE getting used to phone systems and transferring people.I’ll get used to it.

God help me that this is supposed to be until January.