one foot in front of the other

I prayed to God today that if he has a chance, after answering all the other more worthwhile prayers (like for basically anyone in the middle east begging for their lives and the lives of their family), that if he gets a chance, to maybe look my way and help me overcome the troubles I have in my life.

It’s a bit selfish because I guess if you really have faith, you believe that you already were endowed with all the gifts you need to make it for yourself. But sometimes it’s easy to lose hope and start to falter because you can try your best for a very long time and have it not be enough to pay the bills or achieve your goals.

I know that there’s a purpose for many things that at the time they happen they just seem so fucked up that there cannot possibly be a reason. Then later on you see that that “failure” or lost opportunity or whatever it was ended up being the best possible thing that could have happened. I have faith now that while that isn’t always the way things work, there’s a chance of it so I shouldn’t just give up all hope when things seem awful and I don’t get my way.

Whenever I talk to Jarrod about my problems lately, I know he loves me but he’s really not getting it. I get this feeling that he doesn’t think they are as bad as i make them out to be. You know, I don’t think the problems are that bad. I’ve certainly been through worse. I think the _Timing_ is bad – right after the bar to lose my stability again, when money is going to start getting tight again in a month or so. When we are still saying “oh no, we can’t get a replacement” this or that we need, or we need to go easy on buying gifts for birthdays or anniversary presents or eating out or anything we might enjoy or have to do. I still feel like an ass sending an e-card and begging for mercy upon our poverty – well, comparative poverty. We can still eat!

What this comes down to is I’m tired again and disappointed – let down and slightly depressed, and feeling guilty that I feel sorry for myself because there are people in the world right now who are in very dangerous and dire situations. I think, though, that it’s ok to be bummed about things sometimes as long as you don’t make a habit out of feeling sorry for yourself for insignificant things and as long as you do something about it.

Well, i’m looking for other jobs and still going into work for this one – and generally I try to be positive… so. I get a little bitch time.

What’s left is the desperate need to get myself together weight and health wise. Feeling down is a real issue with that. I come home and it’s all I can do to not pass out on the bed instantaneously. I feel like I don’t know how or where to begin the changes I need to make. So I’m going to keep praying and hope I find the wisdom and strength somehow to know how to make these changes and keep on trying.