I don’t have time for this

But I’m doing it anyway.

It will be good for me to take a break anyway. I’m home in New York (home meaning on Long Island, where I’m from originally.) I’m staying with my parents – who are actually getting along with each other very well! It’s a nice thing to see. The weather is humid and about half the time rainy, the other half it’s startlingly beautiful. When I was driving to my in-laws to drop off a gift for Jarrod’s sister (she had a new baby about a month ago), I couldn’t help but notice how lush and green it all is, how fertile the air smelled, and all the little lightning bugs blinking on and off. It reminds me of being young at summer camp – running through the woods and picking berries and playing pretend (even at a younger age) with leaves and sticks and hidey-spots that nature made for us.

I can feel the magic in the air – the magic of this particular season. A few years ago when my papa was in the hospital we’d have to drive in july evenings down to the older part of Huntington – past all the colonial homes and historical landmarks. The twilights were stunning and the smell was remarkable – a fresh green smell full of night potency. I can’t explain it. I just remember my mom and I really enjoying the peaceful time together.

It makes it hard to leave, I’ve already extended my vacation – if you can call it that – once. But that was simply to have more time to study. I’m almost done with my subjects – I just have one left to record. However last night I realized how in trouble I am with the subject of property – too many tests that are hard for me to remember! I’ll just keep praying and working on it. That’s all I can do.

My sister took me to the salon yesterday – it was supposed to be a nice outing – but instead she took a bunch of things I said and told my mom, who then told my dad, who then confronted me. Usually I would just suck that kind of thing up but I was hopping mad and when I saw her today, asked her why the hell she did that? She actually seemed to really feel bad. I’m glad – usually she just does things and doesn’t give a crap how they effect me.

Quite selfishly I’ve been avoiding my friends and other people who might need me. Andy is taking it personally, Browen is worried I hate her, and God only knows what other people think. Normally this would bother me a whole lot, but I guess when you are doing something this important you let some stuff slide and worry about it later.

I miss Jarrod, but on the other hand, time apart is probably good for us. We were having some problems before I left and I know I’m not in my right mind currently. Hopefully the time apart will allow me to center myself and allow him to get his rut out of his system.

He said something the other day that completely blew me away – and made me think. I asked him what I should do about staying here longer, because I was studying really well and was afraid I’d break the groove if I went back to LA on Saturday. He said.. there’s no question, then, is there? I know how much he misses me. It’s all over his blog. I miss him too. But he was giving enough to not make me feel one iota bad, to unselfishly encourage and support me. Sometimes he blows me away with how evolved he is – more than just mature and generous, but EVOLVED. More evolved than even a regular good person… I can’t explain it.

Often I wonder what it is about Jarrod – more than just his qualities and traits that I like – that keeps me interested in him. I’m the kind of person who gets bored easily with people. I figure them out and then I’m bored and it’s just maintenance to keep them around. Awful to say but I guess that’s why I’m alone a lot. But I think about why I stay with Jarrod no matter what, and I think…. I think I’m getting a better handle on it. I guess deep down, there’s a core to him that I don’t know what it is yet. I don’t think he does either! I think it’s something that has unbelievable potential to be anything he wants it to be. He’s a surprise, a mystery, almost even to himself. He’s not predictable or simple. And I think he will never be rid of that mysterious potential deep inside, no matter what he chooses to do or not do. He’s special. He’s got a little bit of magic deep down that blows me away every time it shows itself. I wonder if that’s what genius is? Not so much in the brain but in the open-mind of possibilities. Sometimes I feel so surprised, like I’m being brought along for the ride. I wonder if I knew, when I was younger and with him, that he could be anything or do anything or turn into anything because of that thing inside him. I don’t think I did on a conscious level. He’s not simple, he’s not boring. Oh well, back to studying. God help me!