dizzy, ack

I woke up this morning at my usual (lately) time of 5 am and my head is spinning. I can’t lay in the bedroom anymore, it’s too hot. I’m not sure what’s wrong.

Welllll… for those of you who read this you know I tend to have a lot of negative things to say lately, and I feel really dumb for it. I think I’m a generally positive person but things just suck lately. I can’t find any other explanation. Well, here’s the latest in a string of horrible news:

I went into work (volunteer) on Friday and Fernando met with me. He was thrilled I was there and I got a ton done while he was in mediation all morning. He admitted to me that Peter, our boss, told him that the county voted to extend the RFP period (basically the money application period) until October, and that means the money won’t be available for my “position” until January, not August as we had planned. Considering Jarrod and I have no money to survive on, this is simply unacceptable and I need to find another job. I’m devastated.. this was my dream job…

I’m spent the weekend recuperating and to be honest, I haven’t lifted a book. I can’t seem to focus. Jarrod and I had some really major arguments… Saturday morning I got up at 5 am and went driving alone out to Pasadena. The roads were empty and I cranked my radio and had some time to think. I thought about how I feel like I’m the weak link here and I’m dragging both of us down. Maybe if I went somewhere else, home or something to New York, I could do better there and wouldn’t be such a burden, and so in over my head…

I was so overwhelmed and upset that things just bottled up inside. It culminated in a huge fight and I told Jarrod (and I’m not one of these girls who says — oh I’m leaving — every two seconds) that i was thinking about going home and getting away from these overwhelming circumstances. He realized then how much of a mess I was and he held me, and I just broke. All this pain I’ve been dealing with just poured out, and suddenly i felt much better. Once I broke down things just improved dramatically.

I’m still not sure what to do.. I have some questions I need to ask Fernando about what chances he’s willing to take, but overall I can’t even start dealing with this stress until the bar is behind me. I would overload again.