things are bad

It doesn’t do jarrod or i any good for me to be laying there next to him crying. I don’t want him to wake up and worry about what’s going on when he has work tomorrow, when there’s nothing new… it’s all money. Or lack thereof. I feel like such a failure (actually what i feel is rascal’s tongue on my arm.) We’re even fighting more, I’m snapping at him out of anxiety and misery. I’m obsessively selling things on amazon. I look at him and I want to kiss him or reach out to him but instead of that I just crumble up into helplessness. The only ones who seem to break through it are rascal and meadow. Meadow just cuddles me, she looks at me with those innocent eyes full of love and I just break down and cry. I get it all out. I’m so worried. I don’t know how we’re going to make it. I wish I had known things would be so tight and I would have planned better. It really is my fault for not passing the bar the first time. Fernando says there’s nothing extra I can do in Racho Cucamonga. The money for the next fiscal year doesn’t come in until end of July – even if he wanted to pay me, he doesn’t have the funds to do it.

I took cold medicine.. no help.. i just lay there and my head swims… baldur’s gate helps but after a while i feel restless and lazy, like too much escapism and not enough real life.. and jarrod’s worse.. he’s been addicted to so many games lately I feel like we just don’t connect at all.. I don’t know how to connect or reach out, and I don’t want to be a downer. I don’t want to be a burden at this time when everything’s a burden,