baldur’s gate, the world, and everything

Well, I’ve been playing too much Baldur’s Gate, Jarrod and I went to the SWG Fan Fest (major suckitude), and my cat STILL won’t give me my laptop back.

A friend of ours (sorta) from a restaurant we always go to is getting married – I guess later today – in Vegas at the Venetian. Just him and his girl, very sweet eloping type thing. It brought back so many memories. He was nervous as hell, and telling us that he had problems with commitment. I don’t remember being nervous or doubting, at that point I was ready and very happy. Afterwards I realized how commitment makes you feel safe and comfortable. For a while I had trouble with that because after the issues with family, it made me realize that that feeling comes at a price – the price is what people are afraid of, why they can’t commit. If you trust someone enough to commit it means you aren’t looking around every corner for an exit, for self-preservation, you are looking at your mate without suspicion. You put down your guard and someone can hurt you very badly, someone can take advantage of you. For independent people this is super hard to let go of that kind of control.

In some cases it is years of trust that was betrayed, and it leaves the one cheated on feeling like a moron. Stupid. You believe in the safety and comfort and are used by it. But I guess if there would be one thing I wish i could convince those people of, it would be that they are not the idiot. The fool is the one who ruins that, not the one who has it ruined for them. But in the end I suppose that doesn’t matter because they still got hurt.

Being in a relationship is hard. It means passing up so many things. Although the shine has come off them, nothing is as shiny new ooo I must have that toy. Don’t ask me when things lost their lustre, I don’t know. I watch Law and Order SVU and all these people cheat on each other – older people. People in their 30’s,40’s, 50’s. THe one the other night was a father who had a two year affair with his son’s wife. See, that’s just retarded. I know, oddly enough, *before* I get to that thought about “hey, he’s neat” I think “No way am I gonna fuck things up.”

It sorta goes like this.. “No way am I gonna fuck things up, and it’s WRONG, so I can appreciate he’s neat.” And then I move on. That’s IT. And sometimes my subconscious messes with me, but I’ve seen the damage done and I know it’s so not worth it. I can only pray Jarrod sees things the same way, and I think he does.

Do I think I made a mistake getting married? No. Do I think I should have waited? No. I think I was ready. I had choices in the background I had to settle out. Nothing is ever clear-cut… sometimes I dream like it’s back in time, I’m in college and I can pick my own path over again. Sometimes i pick the same things, sometimes it’s like opposite sketches and I pick the exact opposite of my life. At this point i’ve deviated so much from the path that i can’t even imagine what a “normal” choice would have been like. I picked such wacky, out there stuff that if I met that alternate universe me who stayed in new york, went to hofstra or whatever.. I’m sure she wouldn’t be nearly the same person. I’m not sure if that’s better or worse – but she’d have a hell of a lot less debt! hehe.

Fantasizing scares me. Thinking about other choices worries me. I evaluate my life and my current choices daily, and I’m pretty happy with my day-to-day life and options. What scares me is the thought of regret. I don’t want to think about the past because I’m afraid I might regret not having made the “right” or “perfect” choice. Don’t give me that “there is no right choice.” Sure, true. But there’s better choices.

I’m not unhappy where I am. I’m not even comparing it to what it might have been. I’m not sure anymore what I want, besides to get healthy, lose weight, pass the bar, and stay on mediating.

That’s enough for now, I guess. There is no romantic climactic ending. I know my friend Derek is looking for one. It’s easy to feel like that when you are living a life with a lack of long-term goals. It all ends with the same damn question people have always asked… What is it all about?