heat

Sometimes the heat in LA is so bad you feel like you are swimming and not walking. Against the tide. You can almost feels the waves of heat.

The way that it feels for me is different than I ever used to feel as a kid. I’m short of breath, and I can’t seem to catch it. I suddenly feel red and flushed on my face, like you do when you have a nauseous spell. If I stop, the heat catches me and pulls me down and I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep walking and I’ll be stuck wherever i stop. If I don’t stop, I’m afraid I’ll pass out.

Today I had plans to get studying and some work in the apartment done, but even at full blast the air conditioners couldn’t keep the heat out – or cool down the bedroom where I often study. The laptop in the computer room was burning hot to the touch, and i would have turned it off if Rascal (my cat) hadn’t made a home of it. She loves the warmth – even in this heat. Sometimes I wonder if she’s touched in the head.

So i ended up napping.. my brief outing at lunch was in the hopes of studying, but when I got to Mimi’s and had my soup and sandwich in front of me, I wanted nothing more than to get home and crash. So i did. Now it’s 1 am, or a little after. I’m tired. I’m dehydrated despite the lemonade I’m gulping. I have to go to sleep in that oven of a bedroom. And I have to get up and go to work tomorrow.

Every so often I… well, I’m almost ashamed to say this because I’ve been tortured by some people about my attachment to the past. But I’ll say it anyway. Every so often I’ll be alone somewhere and realize how this timeis going to pass. I’ll remember vividly being at a diner with my grandparents, parents, and sister. And eating burgers, or something, hearing their voices.

That happened to me today. I know those moments are good for me because it reminds me to appreciate things. I do appreciate things, regardless of how hard life has been these last few years. I know life is precious and people die all the time. You simply can’t stop appreciating, because you don’t want to regret things after people are gone. But maybe I’m niave. Maybe mom and dawn and dad are right.. some people in our family just aren’t worth the dna that makes them up. I know there are evil people in this world, but… What do I know? I’m sure i don’t have all the facts. I don’t want my parents to be best friends with my aunts. I just would prefer they were on speaking terms, I guess.

Andy said today that sometimes he’s amazed I’ve done as well as I have, given what i’ve been through. Without his knowing, that set me off. Bigtime – onto a spiral of… well, I could have done this better or that better, how is this doing well? How is this weight, this lack of a job after next month, this failing the bar.. how is this “doing well”? i know I’m hard of myself, but it’s only because I’m sick of being me. I want to change, and I feel like it’s too easy to take the easy way out and not try hard enough. I lost my drive in law school.. I can’t afford to give up. I feel the drive perking its little head up again, and I’m wondering if my burnout is FINALLY going away.