Broken toe

I know he didn’t mean to, but Paul really upset me tonight. He wanted to drop by tonight, and that would have been really nice because I was alone as Jarrod was out at a concert with someone. I stupidly had my cell phone in my purse and even though I was in the same room with it, didn’t hear it ring. He got upset with me because, I suppose, this is my pattern.

I don’t mean to be disconnected from reality, but sometimes it just happens and I don’t know why. I go into my head. If I go a certain amount of time without being in my head, I get really grumpy and unhappy and squirm to find a situation where I can zone out. This is what I was afraid he would never understand.

My toe is broken. I don’t know how. My job search is stalled, for the moment. I’m feeling bad, really bad, both physically and emotionally. But I am getting over my anger at the old job, and letting go, so I suppose there is some good in all of this.

Tired of Fighting For a Lost Cause

I’m burnt. I see the world so differently now. It does feel like a lost cause. And right now I’m so tired and feel like I cannot properly navigate this world. I feel like a fuckup. I’m flawed, and maybe I’m the lost cause.

I am going to complain and you will deal with it

My hip hurts. It won’t stop hurting. I’m worried about my mother in law. My sister can be selfish (and generally is.) I figured out what I enjoy, but it isn’t lasting. Work makes me nervous. I love to sleep but never get enough.

Time to Change

I think it might be time to change the way I look at living. My whole life I was taking it slow and steady wins the race. Investing in my future through education and bettering myself. But as I grow sicker, and my body kills itself organ by organ (now lungs?) I think perhaps I should adjust how I look at things and live for the moment.

I’m still shocked at the turn things have taken. I still don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what I WANT to do anymore. So much has changed like a whirlwind in the last 2-3 weeks. Yet, I thought I was past this developing new illnesses - I don’t know why. I should have known when I saw the white spreading around my eyes that the autoimmune was at it again. I should have kept up with those awful meds. I will start taking them again in the morning.

Do I have to be knocked over the head by something to learn? Boss giving me a bonus for clothes - I have to learn that way to dress better? Again I’m frozen by fear and unsure of what I want in life except to STOP COUGHING TIL I VOMIT. This Asthma, if it is that, has to stop. This is no way to live.

anxious

Can’t sleep, anxious anxious, to the point of vomit. Difficult boss talk today. So much on my plate - I’m overwhelmed, and my emotions are a mess. I’m feeling it so bad I think I might have to vomit again. Fucking hell. I can’t even keep track of my time.. fuck, the more I’m writing and thinking it through the sicker I feel.

What a mess I am

Exhausted all day, throwing up and sick to my stomach, now I’m wide awake and unable to sleep, with Neko Case running through my head until I had to get up, take some tums, and play some Neko.

And think.. always think. Enough to make a woman scream. Thinking about what I can do to “fix” things, and what it is I really want. How can I make it work out. All my problems, from my weight to my health to everything else. It’s making me crazy and I wish my brain would stop calculating.

It’s not all I think about, I think about a couple things I really love/like, times that are special to me, but… right now I feel guilty for not being on top of my stuff. I’ll get it together on my own time and I just have to accept that. So what’s keeping me up is something else… anxiety likely.. and worry, a bit. Tonight I could use a hug, long and tight. I need to get it together.

Ras Cat

Took Rassie to the vet again. She’s been sick, and right now she’s eating very little but the outlook is good. I hear her in the closet licking her lips - ever since we pulled those teeth she’s obsessively lip licking. Just took sleeping pills. I can’t shut off my brain and sleep at night without them anymore. I want to write more but it’s not flowing.

Strong

Christmas party was Saturday night. It was beautiful, as always. For the last few years I’ve done better at social events but I sort of reverted at this one back to feeling insecure and pathetic. Paul wasn’t there as much as I’d have liked, but we talked about it and I think we have worked it out.

My knee is killing me for about a full day now and I need to get back into physical therapy for a multitude of reasons. My thyroid MIGHT be off but I need to see, I’m getting blood tested in the morning for my cyclosporine levels (for the cancer) so I’ll have them draw for thryoid as well.

Jarrod was really there for me when I got home and was upset. He understands how social events are hard, he feels the same way. He also is super protective… or he used to be moreso. I think he would be still if things were different, although I never used to let him be. I liked to fight my own fights. Maybe I wasn’t vulnerable enough.

Paul seems to think I’m not strong right now. That bugs me. So what, I’m insecure? Everyone battles that sometimes. I don’t go running from rooms in tears, I don’t back down, I don’t give up. I just feel bad. It happens. Look, the reality is I’m overweight and I’m not comfortable with my looks because of it. But I know I have great qualities and I’m worthwhile.

What else can I say. Sometimes I just get to feeling unwanted, unimportant, and out of place. Like I’m wearing a clown suit in a room of people. Why? Because that’s my tape in my head running with all the dumb feelings that aren’t fair to me. I know that, and I am working on it. Having Paul feel concerned - freaked out - makes that feeling even worse.

Sometimes I step outside myself and see a person whose intentions are misunderstood. I think, sometimes, people completely don’t get me or they think I’m something I’m not. I want to sit them down and tell them hey, you’re all wrong. But I know that’s not the way. The only way is to continually act as best I can with grace and integrity and let the chips fall where they may.

But in the end, you don’t know what I’ve seen or been through. I’m strong for a reason, a lot of reasons. Those reasons include the years of being that kid nobody liked. It sucks, but I can face it again. It’ll all be okay.

Working Hard

Sometimes Paul points out to me how hard I work (both at work and at PT or at my health.) I was pleasantly surprised at the improvement I’ve made at all of these. But it’s still hard work and Lord knows I’ve struggled to manage it. He’s right though, I still sleep a ton. I once read that your body heals itself while you are sleeping. I guess maybe I’ve undergoing a lot of healing.

Julie wants me to work on what my needs are. I keep myself so busy I cant get there. I should be asleep.. this week I’m not even getting a weekend. I will take it one step at a time. I will figure out what I want from my life one day… and I will make the time to sit down and think about it.

Structure and Sick

I have a cold (I think) or the beginnings of one. Paul texted me that he went to bed - leaving the conversation on an odd note and leaving me wondering if he was mad at me. I hate that, it makes me sad.

I’m much more structured lately and sticking to it - well, one week, no big whoop, but it’s something. I keep reminding myself how rough things have been for the last year and give myself a little “go me” whenever I feel down. Look at what you’ve done, chick! Chin up!

It’s going to be a rough time coming. I guess on some level I do just have to put my head down and plow on through. I also need to make decisions and live with the consequences.