eyes

greenest

seawater

layers

oil-spilled upon the dark

beneath -

you shimmer through

pain-fed, anger-fisted, scarred,

beautiful

open letter to my boss

Guys,

I understand you want me to attend hearings when things get difficult on the calendar and there are too many hearings. I have no problem being a “pinch hitter” when these things are needed. However, I am very busy with the tasks I do have here: handling over 200 clients, billing, resolving calendar conflicts, supervising and coordinating staff, keeping track of status on all of our cases, handling storage and writing letters and motions, and so many other things I can’t even keep track of all of it. In short, I keep your clients happy and I keep your cases rolling.

There is a lack of a leadership now – nobody who knows the day to day has the authority to tell anyone to do anything. So if everyone has their own caseload, that’s fine. But if they don’t, it inevitably is going to lead to everyone telling ME what to do, since I have been assigned the task of dealing with the clients outside of the hearing/osc realm. Therefore I already have the problem of attorneys coming to me and asking me to write this, do that.

I have been happy here since the day you hired me up until recently. I have rolled with the punches of the change in system and I have taken criticism and tried to improve. I think I do a good job with very little ego – I still sit in a cubicle, I took a sort-of “demotion” with no complaints, I don’t bug you for much.

There are never times when I do not have something to do. I’m never wasting time or being unproductive. I have a more than full day just keeping our clients happy on the phone and in emails. I do not take long lunches (barely 15-30 minutes), I don’t take breaks at all, and I rarely, if ever, leave earlier than 6 p.m. when most of everyone else is out the door.

I realized from the beginning when I was hired that there would be times I would need to cover in court, should things get hairy on the calendar. This – I have no problem with.
What I do have a problem with is being expected to handle hearings on a normal basis, as you asked me to do. This bothers me especially when there are people who have been hired solely for this purpose. When I was hired that was not how my position was explained. In addition, I always understood (as it was explained to me) that A*** was limited in his capabilities and I was making up for his shortcomings by essentially being his client side. Now – I am expected to handle all clients, except for E*****’s (so subtract about 15), and attend court? This is overwhelming, and I don’t think I can do it.

What I’m saying is I’m not happy, and I think we’ve gone through so many contortions to make S*** and everyone else happy – I’d like things to change to make me a little happier, please, considering how much I

Respectfully, I ask that you reconsider my position and have A*** or other attorneys go to court whenever possible; even if it means he reschedule a flight.

I’d like to complain

But I don’t think anyone really reads this to read my complaints. Aww, fuck it.

Its super rainy, so my joints ache the way they always do in bad weather. However, it was SO rainy that a pipe burst under my building and forced them to evacuate. I had to walk down 12 flights of stairs with my bad legs. They are still shaking; 12 hours later.

On top of this – i’ve been dealing with a streak of VERY unhappy clients lately (largely their own doing) and this of course did not make them happier.

I have a very bad head cold which nothing seems to help – even nyquil or sudafed. The pressure in my head is excruciating and when I “sleep,” I can’t breathe.

I fell off the wagon – completely – with my diet.

I’m starting to hate my profession.

Well, I guess that’s enough complaining for today.

angry

I’m starting to get angry at family law. Always the same bullshit from demanding, entitled people. And I can never tell them the full truth – hey, YOU are demanding asshole and just suck it up. And no, it’s not parental alienation syndrome, you are actually mentally ill and it shows!

Are you happy?

Now that I am trying to be who you want me to be, are you happy?

I’m not.

complainer

Depression

In Adults

• Persistent sad or “empty” mood.
• Feeling hopeless, helpless, worthless, pessimistic and/or guilty.
• Substance abuse.
• Fatigue or loss of interest in ordinary activities, including sex.
• Disturbances in eating and sleeping patterns.
• Irritability, increased crying, anxiety or panic attacks.
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions.
• Thoughts of suicide; suicide plans or attempts.
• Persistent physical symptoms or pains that do not respond to treatment.

Hypothyroidism:

• Poor muscle tone (muscle hypotonia)
• Fatigue
• Cold intolerance, increased sensitivity to cold
• Depression
• Muscle cramps and joint pain
• Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
• Goitre
• Thin, brittle fingernails
• Thin, brittle hair
• Paleness
• Decreased sweating
• Dry, itchy skin
• Weight gain and water retention^[9][10][11]
• Bradycardia (low heart rate – less than sixty beats per minute)
• Constipation

Generalized anxiety disorder

Generalized anxiety disorder is a common chronic disorder characterized by long-lasting anxiety that is not focused on any one object or situation. Those suffering from generalized anxiety experience non-specific persistent fear and worry and become overly concerned with everyday matters.^[23] Generalized anxiety disorder is the most common anxiety disorder to affect older adults.

Oh sorry, I guess I should shut up and be positive for you now.

EVERYTHING’S FUCKING GREAT!!!

If you were a man

..and not a job, I’d be over you by now, regardless of what I did wrong. In the end you threw me out on my ear, you didn’t even try to make things right.

That I didn’t do what you accused me of makes it that much worse.

Bratwurst

Back in .. oh, around 2001 time, I visited Andy a few times in Wisconsin. Once, we went to the German fest in Milwaukee. We watched the sunset and ate bratwurst from the covered building on the lakeside.

Andy and I met online, through Jarrod, seriously what feels like eons ago. It must have been 1995. We immediately bonded and became much closer than Andy and Jarrod ever were. In 1999 or 1998, I’m not sure which, he came to DC and met me. It was fun and comfortable and safe, and we both enjoyed each other very much.

Andy is one of those guys that every one of his friends counts as a blessing to know. He’s the kind of guy who would do just about anything for a friend. He’s also insightful, funny, kind, and increasingly jaded over the years. I actually respect his jadedness as a form of his maturing. But what do I know.

So in 2001 or so I came out to see him in his habitat, so to speak. Met all the wisconsin people I knew from online, and spend a vast amount of time with Andy. I miss him, and if I had the disposable income, I would go out there today and see him again.

He is weird. He writes down his mileage from each gas tank but doesn’t use it for any discernable purpose. He’s one of those guys who looks so much better without glasses, because he has those green-brown eyes that make women want to faint. But at least when I last saw him, he would not part with them. He’s stubborn, both about doing things and about not doing them. He’s had a blessed life with good people who love him. He’s had a lonely life, where he could not find lasting love. I want to fix everything for him but don’t know why he cannot fix them alone. He is obviously desirable, as many women have wanted him and he has rejected them. I just don’t get it…

There are so few people in this world who are just good as gold, through and through, even given their faults and misdeeds. Just.. better than average in every way. Andy is one of those people. i will always love him and want him in my life.

Loudoun County

I’m trying something new where I write about topics randomly that I stumble across. They have no major meaning, they are random, until I write about them.

I want to write a lot more than this, but can’t right now because it’s so late and I have responsibilities.

Back in college I was tremendously lonely. I had a couple of friends over the time I was there, a few good ones, but they came and went. Travis was one of them, and during that time he and I got to know his grandfather well. I stayed in his grandfather Joe’s big old Virginia home full of antiques.. and Travis’ junk. I tried to help them both dig out and repair their relationship. Travis was an escape from the hell of college life for me, and I was an escape from his spiralling life of fuckup after bad luck.

It was so beautiful there it hurt. I gardened because I didn’t want his old grandpa to hurt himself. I helped Travis finally unpack his things, go through the attic and tear down the crumbling old shed in the yard.I got him to go through his bills, start making school payments and negotiate down what he had messed up financially. That part, at least, I don’t think stood a chance of staying with him. Maybe he learned it on his own since then.

Travis and I went to country fairs, museums, and travelled more than once to west virginia to see Harper’s Ferry and waterfalls – tucked away in the woods. They were stunning and it was one of the best times I ever had.We walked through them, picking branches out of the water and looking at wildlife.

Travis was a good guy who straightened out his life and now has a kid and a wife. I always knew everything in my life was temporary then, but I was okay with that then. I know Joe has passed away. I used to spend time talking to him, drinking tea and worrying together with him about Travis getting it together.

Well, he did, Joe. He got it together and I hope he would have made you proud.

What am I? I am not her anymore. I am a new woman, harder, but yet less comfortable with my reality. I want everything to be permanent now, and I am disappointed when it proves so often to not be. I need to remember that not just youth, but all of life is fleeting. Let the good come and go, and love the moments as moments and not as part of a permanent whole.

the cruise is coming to an end

I dream often of packing in an emergency, trying to get all my stuff together for a move. Sometimes it’s from my home in Melville, sometimes from odd places like my papa’s many-years-sold home in Massapequa. This last one was a cruise ship I was on and the trip was coming to an end. I had to scramble to get my things together, I started late (which is entirely unlike me in real life) and I had to get it all put together before we pulled into port. I had things from childhood, from my whole life, and I had to decide what to keep and what to leave. My bags were beyond heavy, i was unable to bring it all, and I was left staring at things I could not even get to packing and wasn’t sure I could leave behind.

Just as in life, time is running out, and I don’t have a friggin clue what I want to keep and what I want to discard. But I know some things are precious and at some point you just need to get off the boat… or not, and go for another trip.